The Sockdolager

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from the Summer 2015 collection

Alligators by Twitter

by John Wiswell

5:00 PM (one day ago)
New house, new phone. Twitter, give me something better to do than #PutRobotsInEveryMovie until the sister gets here.

1:00 AM
Found mysterious hole in the new house today. In floor. Calling my realtor after my sister and her kids leave.

7:00 AM
Building plans show no basement. What’s the hole lead to? Totally checking it out after they leave. Put carpet over hole for now.

9:00 AM
Nephew fell through carpet. Trying to play it like I didn’t know there was a hole.

9:20 AM
Holy crap! Nephew eaten by alligators! What are alligators doing under my house?

9:30 AM
They’re coming out of the hole. I’m stuck upstairs. Sister bailed with the rest of her spawn. Asshole!

9:45 AM
911 operator thought I was joking. Hung up on me. Asshole! At least alligators can’t climb stairs.

9:50 AM
They can climb stairs. Locking door.

10:00 AM
Alligators can’t open locks, can they? That’s just raptors, right?

10:10 AM
Never liked the wallpaper in here. Ugly tulip print. Changing it if I don’t get eaten.

10:15 AM

10:25 AM
Making a break for the bathroom. Alligators are slow, right?

10:35 AM
Alligators are fast. Very fast. It ate my favorite right shoe. At least I can pee now. Love bathrooms. Safe bathrooms.

10:45 AM
Need to get out of here. Think I can climb out the window. Just two stories. Not bad, right? Just don’t look down.

11:00 AM
Looked down. More alligators. Stuck in bathroom again. They’re coming through the ground down there. So many holes.

11:11 AM
Police! Cop car at my house right now! God bless those flashing red and blue lights.

11:26 AM
Tunneling lizards got him. Can hear him under my house now. Stupid holegators. Got back to bedroom, threw my TV at one of them.

11:40 AM
I miss my TV. CNN say anything about a holegator invasion? #holegators

11:50 AM
Alligators dragged my TV into their holes. Could swear I hear them watching it. They have electricity?

12:00 PM
They shut off my power. Holegators can chew through power lines! Hope they fried.

12:12 PM
Wonder how next door neighbor is handling this. Probably got eaten. Won’t miss his disco crap playing at 1:00 AM anymore.

12:24 PM
Holegator tried to pick my lock. Opened door and whacked him in face, then shut it. Haha. Showed that asshole.

12:30 PM
House just sagged. Think they’re eating the foundation?

12:42 PM
House now diagonal. Living in a scalene triangle. They’re trying to climb up to the window. Got to escape.

1:00 PM
Climbed up side. Got to roof. Holegator followed me, hit him with an antenna.

1:10 PM
They got my antenna. Have to run for the cop car.

1:20 PM
Made it. Thing won’t start! How do you start a cop car?

1:30 PM
Holegators burrowed under and ate the transmission! Car can’t move! When did alligators start eating metal?

1:40 PM
They’re under me. Can hear my TV. Holegators watch PBS?

1:47 PM
Is #holegators trending yet? Really like to trend before I die.

1:50 PM
They’re eating the tires. Where to go? Wish there was a spare gun.

1:55 PM
Jabbing an alligator in eye with nightstick is more fun than you think.

2:05 PM
They ate my nightstick.

2:15 PM
Can’t get back to house. Surrounded.

2:19 PM
Hi to all my new followers! Might not follow back since I’m about to die.

2:25 PM
Going to do something stupid.

2:35 PM
Jumped down their hole. They have disco lighting? So many disco balls.

2:50 PM
Disco stopped. They’re back. Going to eat me. Tell my sister I hate her.

3:00 PM
Going to do something stupid.

3:10 PM
It worked! Singing disco songs makes them stop. Saturday Night Fever, I love you!

3:20 PM

3:30 PM
Holegators have great wifi. Spotify is saving my ass right now.

3:40 PM
Brought me Chinese for singing Kung Fu Fighting. Good dumplings. Considering staying for a while.

3:50 PM
Next-door neighbor is behind this! Saw him. Was monologuing. People really do that? #SMDH

4:00 PM
Brainwashing alligators through music waves? Got to be kidding me.

4:08 PM
My neighbor is a mad scientist and a bandwidth hog. There is literally nothing about this man I don’t hate.

4:10 PM
He made the holegators build him an underground palace. Asshole stole my pool table!

4:15 PM
Going to do something stupid.

4:20 PM
Sucker punched a mad scientist! #bucketlist

4:22 PM
Holegators are kind of mad about that. Would you guys like some BeeGees?

4:30 PM
Think I’m controlling holegators now. Have pool table back. Have many pool tables now!

4:45 PM
Sending them out for Chipotle. I think we’ll be trending soon. #holegators

John has more stories out now at Urban Fantasy Magazine and Flash Fiction Online, and upcoming at Podcastle and Fireside Fiction. He strongly believes tentacle monsters can be domesticated. This story originally appeared on Flash Fiction Online in April of 2010