Alligators by Twitter
by John Wiswell
5:00 PM (one day ago)
New house, new phone. Twitter, give me something better to do than #PutRobotsInEveryMovie until the sister gets here.
1:00 AM
Found mysterious hole in the new house today. In floor. Calling my realtor after my sister and her kids leave.
7:00 AM
Building plans show no basement. What’s the hole lead to? Totally checking it out after they leave. Put carpet over hole for now.
9:00 AM
Nephew fell through carpet. Trying to play it like I didn’t know there was a hole.
9:20 AM
Holy crap! Nephew eaten by alligators! What are alligators doing under my house?
9:30 AM
They’re coming out of the hole. I’m stuck upstairs. Sister bailed with the rest of her spawn. Asshole!
9:45 AM
911 operator thought I was joking. Hung up on me. Asshole! At least alligators can’t climb stairs.
9:50 AM
They can climb stairs. Locking door.
10:00 AM
Alligators can’t open locks, can they? That’s just raptors, right?
10:10 AM
Never liked the wallpaper in here. Ugly tulip print. Changing it if I don’t get eaten.
10:15 AM
#GotToPee
10:25 AM
Making a break for the bathroom. Alligators are slow, right?
10:35 AM
Alligators are fast. Very fast. It ate my favorite right shoe. At least I can pee now. Love bathrooms. Safe bathrooms.
10:45 AM
Need to get out of here. Think I can climb out the window. Just two stories. Not bad, right? Just don’t look down.
11:00 AM
Looked down. More alligators. Stuck in bathroom again. They’re coming through the ground down there. So many holes.
11:11 AM
Police! Cop car at my house right now! God bless those flashing red and blue lights.
11:26 AM
Tunneling lizards got him. Can hear him under my house now. Stupid holegators. Got back to bedroom, threw my TV at one of them.
11:40 AM
I miss my TV. CNN say anything about a holegator invasion? #holegators
11:50 AM
Alligators dragged my TV into their holes. Could swear I hear them watching it. They have electricity?
12:00 PM
They shut off my power. Holegators can chew through power lines! Hope they fried.
12:12 PM
Wonder how next door neighbor is handling this. Probably got eaten. Won’t miss his disco crap playing at 1:00 AM anymore.
12:24 PM
Holegator tried to pick my lock. Opened door and whacked him in face, then shut it. Haha. Showed that asshole.
12:30 PM
House just sagged. Think they’re eating the foundation?
12:42 PM
House now diagonal. Living in a scalene triangle. They’re trying to climb up to the window. Got to escape.
1:00 PM
Climbed up side. Got to roof. Holegator followed me, hit him with an antenna.
1:10 PM
They got my antenna. Have to run for the cop car.
1:20 PM
Made it. Thing won’t start! How do you start a cop car?
1:30 PM
Holegators burrowed under and ate the transmission! Car can’t move! When did alligators start eating metal?
1:40 PM
They’re under me. Can hear my TV. Holegators watch PBS?
1:47 PM
Is #holegators trending yet? Really like to trend before I die.
1:50 PM
They’re eating the tires. Where to go? Wish there was a spare gun.
1:55 PM
Jabbing an alligator in eye with nightstick is more fun than you think.
2:05 PM
They ate my nightstick.
2:15 PM
Can’t get back to house. Surrounded.
2:19 PM
Hi to all my new followers! Might not follow back since I’m about to die.
2:25 PM
Going to do something stupid.
2:35 PM
Jumped down their hole. They have disco lighting? So many disco balls.
2:50 PM
Disco stopped. They’re back. Going to eat me. Tell my sister I hate her.
3:00 PM
Going to do something stupid.
3:10 PM
It worked! Singing disco songs makes them stop. Saturday Night Fever, I love you!
3:20 PM
#YMCA
3:30 PM
Holegators have great wifi. Spotify is saving my ass right now.
3:40 PM
Brought me Chinese for singing Kung Fu Fighting. Good dumplings. Considering staying for a while.
3:50 PM
Next-door neighbor is behind this! Saw him. Was monologuing. People really do that? #SMDH
4:00 PM
Brainwashing alligators through music waves? Got to be kidding me.
4:08 PM
My neighbor is a mad scientist and a bandwidth hog. There is literally nothing about this man I don’t hate.
4:10 PM
He made the holegators build him an underground palace. Asshole stole my pool table!
4:15 PM
Going to do something stupid.
4:20 PM
Sucker punched a mad scientist! #bucketlist
4:22 PM
Holegators are kind of mad about that. Would you guys like some BeeGees?
4:30 PM
Think I’m controlling holegators now. Have pool table back. Have many pool tables now!
4:45 PM
Sending them out for Chipotle. I think we’ll be trending soon. #holegators